


Bullets Slipping Through My Fingers

by Vintage_Wine



Series: Waking Nightmare Series [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex Danvers Needs a Hug, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hugs, Lucy Lane is a Good Bro, Maggie Sawyer Needs a Hug, Major Character Injury, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Kara Danvers, Protective Lena Luthor, Trauma, no one dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 19:50:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15758514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vintage_Wine/pseuds/Vintage_Wine
Summary: Maggie scrambles to the gun case in her closet, taking out a standard issue rifle and picking up the bag of ammo beside it. She runs back through the living room and onto the balcony to try and give Alex some back up. She can already hear the gunfight between the special agent and the dark armored figures that seem to come and go like shadows in the ether. She props the barrel of the gun up on the railing and fishes out a pre-filled ammo clip and tries to lock it into place but it won’t fit, she curses as she feels tears starting to sting in her eyes as she hears Alex yelling and gunfire in the streets below.“No, no, no…No! Fucking work,” Maggie growls desperately trying and failing to lock in the clip for a final time she tosses it to the side and grabs a handful of bullets, yanking back on the bolt and trying to feed them in by hand. She can see figures flanking Alex from behind and on the side and she calls out in terror, "Alex?!"





	Bullets Slipping Through My Fingers

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Major character injuries (no one dies, I’m not heartless and I'd make myself cry trying to write that!), discussion and depictions of violence, PTSD, dissociation and denying pain medication as a form of self-harm. Dark with a light at the end of the tunnel.

Maggie’s always smiling and laughing ruefully, she’s the person everyone at the precinct goes to when they need advice. She’s also usually quick to bounce back from hard cases or the days where she or her fellow officers were injured. She’d mentally prepared for this for years, all of the training and studying she knew what she was getting into – or at least she thought she did at the time. But recently things didn’t seem right – ever since the Daxamite invasion it seemed like every little incident seemed to put her on edge and it took longer and longer for her to shake the feelings of fear and restlessness.

Most of the time she had the uncanny ability to compartmentalize – which she knows is a fancy word for being able to dissociate from an emotionally charged situation at will. The second she was in the field, working a crime scene or tracking down leads, she could easily just let her emotions slip away – the fear that someone was lurking around the corner, the horror of what happened to the victims, the helplessness that was quick to morph to anger when Maggie felt like she was always just one step behind a perp – or when she was too late to save a victim from their grisly fate. All those emotions could neatly be packaged up and locked away so she could be ready to do her job without hesitation – even when the world seemed to be crashing down and burning around her.

The only problem with that is after a while of day in and day out police work a person starts to lose the ability to control when and how they compartmentalize. It starts to flip around where one minute she’s at work on a grisly case that makes you horrified, sickened and furious all at once – and instead of being able to push it to the back burn she has to struggle to keep it together as the torrent of emotions continues to assail her senses. And instead of being present at home, when she’s doing some mundane task or just relaxing with friends, a certain sound or smell will cause her to lose all sense of reality. In this moment Maggie can feel her ability to control the compartmentalization slipping through her fingers – the smell of the burnt popcorn burns in her nose and the sound of a passing ambulance the only thing her brain seems to focus on.

Just like that her mind seems to separate from her body – the fuzzy feeling similar to what she gets sometimes right as she’s about to fall asleep. Maggie can’t help but give into the feeling, looking around at her surroundings – Kara and Lena are laughing at Winn and his girlfriend arguing about the popcorn, Alex and Lucy are discussing something from work even though James is trying to remind them no work on game nights – but she doesn’t seem to hear what they’re saying. All the sounds have just blurred into a dull hum that she feels in the back of her head, like the start of a headache. It’s like she’s watching her life go on without her – like she’s watching herself from across the room as this mirror Maggie finishes the glass of wine and rolls the dice instead of being present and doing these things herself.

It’s different from the moments in which she has panic attacks – where it seems like everything is so loud and there’s too much movement. In these dissociative moments it’s just a dreamlike moment where everything is so quiet, almost peaceful as she doesn’t have to deal with any emotions or expressions – just a blank numbness that’s settled into her bones. The world could be ending in this moment and she wouldn’t feel anything at all – no panic, no immediate call to duty, just nothing. She’s never sure if she’s spaced out for just a few moments or longer but as she starts to come back to awareness she realizes now that she’s been gone for some time when she feels Alex’s hand on her arm.

“Maggie?!” Alex asks cautiously, her voice is high with concern and Maggie knows she must have called her name trying to get her attention a few times before now.

Shaking her head and taking a breath Maggie quickly answers with an easy enough lie on her lips, “Yeah, yeah, sorry. I’m here, just a little tired and space cadeted for a minute.”

“You sure?” Alex asks softly, imploring brown eyes searching out Maggie’s – clearly not convinced that it’s just Maggie being tired. But she lets it go, they’re with friends right now and if it’s something serious she knows Maggie would probably prefer to talk about it in private.

“Yeah, yeah I’m good,” Maggie assures, wrapping an arm around Alex’s shoulders and tugging her into a hug as she checks back in on her surroundings. Kara and Lena are sitting together, both of them cautiously looking between Alex and Maggie, Winn and his girlfriend are nervously chatting about something on the board with James. Lucy however doesn’t look away when Maggie locks eyes with her, and the detective feels like Lucy knows exactly what just happened, but just gives her a pointed look without calling her out on it in front of everyone.

“Well, it’s your turn,” Alex tells her, curling closer to Maggie as she watches her girlfriend roll the dice and move her piece around the board. She follows suit but when it’s Kara’s turn she feels Maggie press a kiss to her temple before getting up with a whisper that she’d be right back.

Maggie heads into the bathroom to relieve herself and take a few minutes to gather her wits about her. As she washes her hands she savors the feel of the cold water through her fingers as she looks at her reflection staring back at her – watching as tears well up and slip from dark eyes. Quickly she cups some water in her hands and splashes her face, rinsing away the tears and shocking her system in hopes of regaining some semblance of poise and control for the evening. After a few minutes of drying her face she heads back and picks up another beer for herself before settling back down beside Alex.

The rest of the evening goes smoothly, trading witty barbs with Lucy who gives as good as she gets and the two of them getting Alex all riled up. By the time the night is over she almost forgets that something is wrong, as her and Alex return to their apartment the red head is tired but in a rather affectionate mood. Maggie manages to get into her pajamas through all the kisses and light touches, smiling as she watches Alex settle into bed beside her. Leaning back against the pillows she opens her arms and smiles warmly as Alex grins and quickly settles into her arms – kissing her sweetly before resting her head on her chest and wrapping an arm around her waist.

“Sweet dreams, babe,” Maggie tells her with a soft smile, pressing a kiss to the crown of messy red hair.

“Love you, Mags,” Alex murmurs back softly, already settling into sleep.

As Maggie settles into sleep she feel like tonight is one of the nights she may actually get a blissful night’s sleep – but soon enough her mind starts churning and distorting her thoughts and feelings into a terrifyingly realistic amalgam. There’s a crisis in progress that much is clear from the noises of chaos and panic rising up from the streets and through their bedroom window. Alex is already getting her badge and gun, tugging on her vest haphazardly while heading to the door despite the fact that they haven’t been called in and the chaos outside sounds utterly terrifying.

Maggie catches Alex by the arm, desperately clawing to hold on to the red head’s jacket as she pleads desperately, “No, you can’t go out there Alex. Please, for once don’t be the hero.”

Alex slips from her grasp and Maggie stumbles after her only to feel like she’s wading slowly through molasses – helplessly watching as Alex unholsters her side arm and is out the door in a matter of seconds. Maggie’s brain feels like it’s on fire, the whirlwind of thoughts going through every possible scenario and only come up with one dreadful ending. All she can see is Alex’s body lying in the street, eyes staring listlessly to the skies in a pool of blood so dark it almost looks black draining out of her and onto the oil stained pavement.

Maggie scrambles to the gun case in her closet, taking out a standard issue rifle and picking up the bag of ammo beside it. She runs back through the living room and onto the balcony to try and give Alex some back up. She can already hear the gunfight between the special agent and the dark armored figures that seem to come and go like shadows in the ether. She props the barrel of the gun up on the railing and fishes out a pre-filled ammo clip and tries to lock it into place but it won’t fit, she curses as she feels tears starting to sting in her eyes as she hears Alex yelling and gunfire in the streets below.

“No, no, no…No! Fucking work,” Maggie growls desperately trying and failing to lock in the clip for a final time she tosses it to the side and grabs a handful of bullets, yanking back on the bolt and trying to feed them in by hand. But much to her shock and confusion the bullets don’t fit, so small they fall into the magazine and jam in all directions. “What the fuck?”

She flips the rifle over, dumping out the rounds as she looks up to track where Alex has gone and finds her pinned down behind a row of parked cars, a couple on fire and spewing smoke. She tries to dislodges the bullets as she sees more shadowed figures moving towards Alex, flanking the DEO agent from the behind without her knowing.

“Alex!?” Maggie cries out, her voice so high and cracking with fright and desperation that she doesn’t even recognize it – it doesn’t seem real. “Alex, on your six! Alex turn around, they’re behind you!”

Alex doesn’t seem to hear her, still firing at unseen targets in front of her and not bothering to keep checking if her position is still secure. Maggie reaches for another handful of bullets, her brain not comprehending why they won’t fit – they’re 5.56 x 45mm, they have it stamped on the bottom of the round yet they still won’t chamber correctly and keep slipping from her sweaty fingers as she tries desperately to load the gun in time to fire on the assailants that are closing in on Alex. Tears are stinging in her eyes as she desperately tries to continue loading the gun while cursing in near hysterics, “Work god dammit, just fucking work…please, work.”

Maggie nearly sobs when the bullets still refuse to fit and slip out of her fingers and clink against the ground and roll away. The rifle feels hot and heavy in her hands as she watches as Alex is stuck by the faceless, formless assailants, shrieking in pain and fear. Her whole body feels numb as Alex crumbles to the ground, the rifle slipping from her hands and clattering loudly to the ground – Alex isn’t making a sound and is frighteningly still. Frozen Maggie can see the first trails of blood line the concrete and the only thought in her brain is that she wishes it was her instead.

The sound of a passing ambulance startles Maggie awake, she jerks up and looks around while panting to try and regain her breath as her eyes adjust to the darkness. She sees Alex sleeping soundly next to her, red hair splayed out over the pillow as she mumbles in her sleep and curls up further into a little ball. Maggie still feels like the helplessness and the terror still have their claws sunk deep into her chest even though she’s watching Alex’s chest rise and fall as she continues to sleep. After a few more moments Maggie gets up and cautiously checks around the apartment, she’s knows it’s ridiculous – the only place for an intruder to hide would be one of the closets or the bathroom. But she checks anyway with the utility knife from her duty belt tucked into the waist band of her pajamas.

When her search comes back clean she settles for drinking a glass of water while pacing by the windows overlooking the city. When she does return to bed she curls around Alex, pressing her face into Alex’s neck and just breathing in her scent as she watches the sky turns from dark purple to the bright, warm colors of sunrise. The next evening, while Alex is working late in the lab at the DEO, Maggie takes the gun out of the closet with the ammo pouch and easily slides the cartridge into place and watches as a rounds slip easily into the chamber like a well-oiled machine when she re-engages the bolt. She unloads and loads the gun a few more times before clearing it and putting it away – still unsettled and worried that should she ever need to provide backup she might not be able to do so. 

The cracks in the façade crumble away a few days later when another catastrophe befalls National City – her heart skipping a beat when she hears over the radio that Supergirl has fallen, condition unknown. That report is followed by multiple requests for backup at the scene of what the dispatch suggests is a large scale terror attack by unknown human assailants – soon after the calls of officer’s down and requests for medical evacuations begin to flood the line. Maggie is only a couple blocks from the scene, having already been called in by Alex to assist in containing a developing situation.

As she parks at the police line and gets out of the vehicle she makes her way to the agents that are in the field – flames are engulfing one of the buildings to the right and L-Corp has once again been bombed. Her thoughts immediately flick to whether or not Lena had managed to get to safety and how many of her employees were wounded or worse. Running towards the sounds of gunfire and loud rumbling of buildings crumbling and folding in on themselves – the structures too damaged to remain upright.

“Maggie!” comes Alex’s desperate voice from further down the block, even closer to the death and destruction. Behind her Maggie things she can make out the familiar forms of Vasquez and J’onn, but she doesn’t see Kara with them.

Maggie takes off at a run, sidearm already in hand as she tells her dispatcher she’s on scene with the federal agents and engaging with hostiles at any moment. As she continues down the street littered with burning cars, broken and falling glass and debris from the buildings Maggie gets the familiar, creeping feeling that something isn’t right – and that it’s much more than just the scene before her, like she’s missing something that’s right in front of her. As she meets Alex at the barricades she reaches out and clasps her hand for a moment, needing to feel that she’s real and alive at this moment.

“Alex…” Maggie tries to ask but her voice is drowned out by a loud cracking sound splitting the air around them. Her vision whiting out seconds before she feels the initial shock wave from the secondary explosion roll over her body, lifting her off her feet and throwing her against an already battered vehicle. She can feel the air as it’s forced from her lungs painfully fast, her ribs bending and giving at the force of the blow. Her vision’s blurry and blackening around the edges as she searches desperately to find Alex, reaching out to crawl a few feet even though a sharp pain lances from her wrist to her elbow and she still hasn’t gotten enough breathe to cry out.

Shadowy figures are approaching and Maggie lifts her weapon limply, not sure if these are friendlies or not – not that it matters as she doesn’t have the strength to pull the trigger. Her whole body is shaking violently and she things she recognizes a few of the armed agents faces, but she can’t hear them talking to her, her ears are ringing too badly and the rush of her pulse in her head is all the noise she can make out. As the agents help her to her feet she searches around for Alex, finding agents and medical personnel are clustered around various injured people.  

Maggie catches a glimpse of red hair – matted with soot and darkening with tendrils of blood – several feet from her and surrounded by medical personnel. Before she can make her way over the hands keeping her upright start to guide her in a different direction and Maggie fights them – trying weakly to pry the hands around her arms and waist away from her. She’s growling and crying that she’s okay, but she can’t hear the hysteria and panic in her own voice that’s straining and clawing its way out of her already irritated throat. The hands hold her firmly yet gently, guiding her away from the scene even though she’s begging them not to – her vision darkening as the throbbing in her head increases until she’s barely conscious.

Maggie wakes again and she’s not sure how much time has passed or where she’s at – sitting up her whole body screams with pain and her head spins making her stomach lurch uncomfortably. Taking a moment to steady herself she feels a hand on her arm.

“Maggie? It’s okay, just lay back down,” comes the soft, steady voice of Lucy Lane’s, she tries to answer but the blinding pain in her head is still passing. “You’re at the DEO, you were injured in the Cadmus terror attack. Do you remember?”

“A-Alex?” Maggie stammers out as she gets a good look at herself, still in her clothing sans her vest she sees an IV is taped to the top of her hand and gauze has been packed against her open wounds and taped in place. She hasn’t been properly treated and she suspects it’s because there are people with much more critical injuries – people lingering between life and death - that are being treated at the moment.

“I don’t know,” Lucy says softly, trying to get Maggie to lay back down.

Maggie looks around and realizes that she’s at the DEO, on a cot in the hallway where the overflowing wounded have been placed. With shaky fingers she peels away the tape and pulls the IV cannula out of her hand shrugging away Lucy’s attempts to stop her and not bothering to quell the brief bleeding. Instead she pushes Lucy back as her brain recalls its last mission – finding Alex.

“Maggie! Maggie, wait,” Lucy calls after her but Maggie doesn’t listen as she continues to check over the people in the cots along the wall. Leaning against the railing she looks to see the injured sitting on the stairs and in the floor but none of them are Alex.

Maggie’s stumbling through the DEO, her body following the path to the medical bay of it’s own accord – muscle memory guiding her as she steps over broken glass and various other mounds of debris that other agents are trying to get out of the way. She peers through the window to see just how much carnage the Cadmus terror attack has caused. Several agents with various degrees of cuts, bruises, and broken bones are waiting to be treated – Hamilton and another medical assistant are doing the best they can but Alex is nowhere in sight. Maggie roughly brushes the blood draining down into her eye on her sleeve and ignores the throbbing headache that is making her grit her teeth – hazily scanning the room in search of familiar red hair.

Instead she sees the familiar form of Kara in one of the sun beds – bandaged and unconscious and she knows that little Danvers has most likely blown out her powers and would be sick for the next few days. But instead of Alex at her bedside there’s Lena – the young Luthor looks rather shell shocked with a clean bandage taped to her cheek and a casted arm resting in a sling. Her green eyes are filled with tears as she sits watching the chaos numbly while holding tightly to Kara’s hand. Maggie wants to go and comfort the younger woman, to check on Kara but her brain is urging her to find Alex – sensing that something isn’t quite right.

Flashes of the scene come back to her and she remembers seeing Alex sprawled unconscious on the sidewalk with medical personnel surrounding her – blood damp hair and body eerily still. Panic surges through her as she frantically searches the medical bay, Lucy has returned with J’onn who’s giving her a sympathetic look and has his hands up as if he’s about to apologize and Maggie can’t stand to hear it, “No, no, J’onn – where is Alex? Where is she?”

“Alex is at National City General, you need to come lie down and get treated,” J’onn says calmly, trying to reason with her – but he can feel the dread and terror in the small officer and knows it’s going to be an uphill battle.

“No, she needs me there,” Maggie insists, taking a few stumbling steps towards the door so that she can hopefully make it down the steps and towards the motor pool. She’s sure she really should not be driving at all under such conditions but the logical side of her brain has been absent this whole time and likely wouldn’t be returning anytime soon – at least not until she sees that Alex is safe and healing.

“You need to get checked out,” Lucy insists, taking Maggie’s arms in her hands and tries to maneuver the detective towards one of the hospital beds as she calls, “Dr. Hamilton!”

Maggie feels the fear surging up again and before she realizes what she’s doing her and Lucy are scuffling – she’s pulled the smaller brunette’s hands from her arms and has pulled her arms behind her back like she would a perp she’s about to frog march to jail. Lucy struggles but pulls a hand and free and tries to as gently as possible subdue Maggie – trying desperately to not further injury the already wounded and panicking woman.

“Maggie, it’s just me, Lucy – you’re wounded and need to be treated,” Lucy tries to remind as politely as possible, her own injuries protesting painful at being further abused.

“No, no I need to find Alex, she was right there in front of me and I need to find her again,” Maggie as she feels J’onn wrapping his arms around her from behind, locking her in a tight hug that prevents her from moving despite all the struggling and the fight she’s putting up. “Please, I just want to see if Alex is alright.”

“Dr. Hamilton!” Lucy orders, getting the woman’s attention as she looks to J’onn and tells him, “She needs to go to the hospital, she may have a brain injury from the blast.”

“First things first,” J’onn says as Hamilton comes over with a sedative.

Maggie feels the sting of the needle jabbed into her arm and the fiery feeling of the drugs burning its way through her system. Within seconds her arms lose their fight, feeling as if they’re filled with molten lead – too heavy to respond to her commands. The room spins and her vision blurs as she starts to feel an overwhelming drowsiness assail her senses. Maggie struggles to open her eyes, desperately trying to fight the heaviness in her eyelids as she thinks she hears Lena’s soft crying somewhere to her right. As she drifts in and out of consciousness she feels J’onn lifting her into his arms properly and giving quick orders. Maggie sobs weakly as she submits to the darkness.

***

The next time Maggie wakes she can hear the steady beeping in the background and hushed voices speaking somewhere near her. She tries to rasp out a question – to ask where she is and if anyone has found Alex yet. She remembers the blasts and fighting with Lucy and J’onn at the DEO but everything else is hazy. She tries sitting up but her body refuse, too weak and wounded to follow her basic commands - she quickly gives up struggling and loses consciousness. She’s not sure how much time has passed as she wakes a few more times – the second time the window is dark with the glittering lights of the city looking like stars, the third time the lights are warm reds and oranges that come along with sunrise, and the latest is nothing but clear blue skies.

When she finally wakes fully the light flooding in through the window nearly blinds her, sending her head into spinning waves of agony as her eyes open a crack.  Once she’s fully awake she takes in her surroundings – a hospital room with a muted TV, an IV in her hand that connects to more than just a bag of saline, and a new, red cast on her right arm almost up to her shoulder.

Maggie can feel the tears rolling down the side of her face and mingling with the sweat beading along her hair line from the pain. Maggie moves to reach up to try and brush away her tears but her wrist chaffs against the rough material of a cuff that keeps her pinned to the bed. Before she can panic the door opens and her desperate brown eyes meet the striking blue ones of Eliza Danvers and now Maggie’s even more confused and disoriented.

“There’s no need for these,” Eliza insists as she quickly unbuckles the cuff around Maggie’s wrist and the two around her ankles that the detective hadn’t noticed yet. She gives Maggie a soft, warm smile as she explains, “You were fighting in your sleep, you gave Lucy quite a shiner and they didn’t want anyone else getting injured.”

Maggie wonders why Eliza is here and her mind wanders to the fact that Alex and her sister must be critically wounded – or worse, one of them could have been fatally wounded. Tears are welling up in her eyes as she reaches out to Eliza, not sure if she can ask any of the numerous questions floating around on the tip of her tongue. Eliza sees the tears and carefully perches on the edge of the bed and draws Maggie into an embrace as she assures her tenderly, “Oh Maggie, Alex is wounded pretty badly, but she’s resting and healing. As soon as your doctor clears you I’ll take you to see her.”

Maggie’s sobs threaten to shake her apart, relief and exhaustion are working their way out of her through tears. Eliza shushes her softly and talks to her tenderly, reassuring her that everyone is safe and healing although they may be a little worse for wear for a while. Eliza sits with her through lunch, her partner Eric visiting her with balloons to inform her that a few people in her unit were injured but on the mend – and that her boss would fire her if she sees her at the precinct any time during the next six weeks.

The afternoon doctors visit where she gets her damage report – mild traumatic brain injury, a broken bone at her elbow joint required two pins, a few broken ribs, and some lacerations that required stitches. She won’t be going home for another couple days still but she does get the okay to get up and around with assistance which is all she can think about doing as soon as the white coat is out the door. Lena has showed up with a wheelchair and a change of clothes for Maggie, grateful to see that Maggie’s awake.

“Hey, you were asleep for a while,” Lena tells her softly, as she hands the detective a pair of sweat pants before turning her back so Maggie can have some privacy. As soon as Maggie gives her the okay – giving up trying to put on a tee shirt and settling just for the sweatpants and socks – Lena helps her get settled into the wheelchair before following Eliza down the hall to Alex’s room.

As they enter the room Maggie’s eyes are drawn immediately to Alex who is sitting up in bed leaning against several pillows. On the cot against the far wall Kara’s asleep in a pile of rumpled Kleenex with a blanket draped over her, Eliza’s checking on her and making sure she’s warm enough. Lena parks Maggie near the bed before giving her some space. Kara wakes at the noise around her and calls after Lena weakly, quickly searching the room for the little Luthor. The green eyed woman is quick to sit with Kara, guiding her to rest her head in her lap, soothing her back to sleep with fingers raking through blonde curls.

“Maggie,” Alex breathes softly, the relief clear in her voice as she reaches for Maggie with her good hand, her other is casted and held protected in a sling. There’s a few bandaged burns on her arms, her right eye is bruised and the laceration at her temple is stitched closed. Upon closer inspection Maggie notices the IV in Alex’s hand is attached to a blood transfusion, another tube is coming out of Alex’s gown and is attached to a pump – Maggie’s heart breaks as she realizes that Alex’s lung had collapsed from the blast.

Maggie stands up and sits on the edge of the bed facing Alex, tears welling up in her eyes as she brushes her fingers over Alex’s face tenderly. Maggie leans in and carefully rests her forehead against Alex’s as the first sobs break over her, hot tears trailing down her cheeks and stinging the cut on her chin. Alex seems to be weeping too as she grasps tightly to Maggie with her good hand, the two of them clinging to each other for what seems like hours until the two of them have calmed down.

“It’s okay,” Alex whispers hoarsely, brushing tears from Maggie’s cheeks as she offers a small smile. When Maggie shakes her head and looks ready to dissolve into another panicked bout of tears Alex just nods calmly and tells her, “It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s over with now, we’re safe and broken bones and bruises heal.”

Maggie just curls up next to Alex, wrapping an arm around Alex as carefully as possible, closing her eyes as she focuses on calming her breathing. Alex is whispering to her softly, even though her body is aching she curls up against girlfriend already getting drowsy again from the pain medication. Letting her eyes drift shut she settles against Maggie’s warm body and lets the drugs guide her into a dreamless sleep.

By evening the nurses come looking for Maggie who’s been out of her room for a few hours at this point, it takes a bit of arguing and Maggie’s blood pressure spiking to get her moved to room with Alex. The nurse however insists that Maggie rest in her own bed and try to eat something for dinner – to which Maggie begrudgingly agrees. By this time Kara has woken up and Eliza insists that she go home with Lena so the two of them can get some rest and something to eat. The woman pulls both young women into an embrace -reminding her youngest daughter to eat something other than pot stickers and Lena that she should remember to take her pain medicines with dinner.

Maggie picks at her dinner, glancing at Alex every few minutes as if to make sure she’s still there and not just a figment of her imagination. She manages to keep down some rice, jello, and apple juice but she still refuses the pain medication when the night rounds start. The kind faced nurse is concerned about her denial and asks again politely, “Are you sure? You’ve had quite a few bad injuries, it’s understandable to still need some medication to deal with the pain.”

“No, no I’m fine,” Maggie tries to assure even though she knows she’s going to regret it later – but a part of her believes that the pain is her punishment, to try and soothe the guilt and erase the fear still present in the forefront of her mind.

Sure enough by the time it’s dark outside, the pain is back with a vengeance and Maggie tries her best to deal with it as stoically as possible. The pain that comes with every breath jarring her ribs and the burning pain where she swears she feels the pins holding her broken arm together – all of it keeps her grounded. The pain reminds her that this is real, and she’s alive just like Alex is alive and sleeping in the bed next to hers.

As she restlessly flips through channels on the television, the volume low to let Alex sleep she feels like she should be able to get up and walk around. The pain searing up her arm towards her neck and the throbbing in her head make her breathing labored as she tosses and turns trying to find a position she can get comfortable in. As she tries to sit up more she feels Eliza’s steady hand on her shoulder, “Maggie, do I need to call in the nurse?”

Maggie bites her lip and shakes her head, knowing if she opens her mouth she’s going to ask for the medication. Eliza just presses the button for the nurse and cards her fingers through Maggie’s long, dark hair to try and soothe her like she would her own daughters, “It’s okay, Maggie, there’s no harm in needing the medication – I’m staying here and I’m not going to let anything happen to Alex or to you.”

A nurse is quick to get a doctor to sign off on the pain medications, administering it to Maggie as she assures her that it should take effect rather quickly. Eliza moves a chair to sit between Alex and Maggie’s bed so she can hold Maggie’s hand as she feels the hot flush from the medication flood her bloodstream making her feel almost too hot – melting away the pain in her arm and throughout her body. Eliza talks softly to her as she starts to slip to sleep again, hating that she’s going to be out again for a while.

***

Maggie wakes up late the next morning, grimacing through another round of bloodwork as Kara and Lena return with a much more appealing breakfast than the rather lumpy, flavorless oatmeal and watered down orange juice. Maggie savors the blueberry muffins as she tiredly sees that Kara’s clearly feeling much better – looking cheerful and no longer sniffling as she sits with her hand in Lena’s, their fingers twined together. Judging by the way Alex nods at them with a mischievous smirk Maggie’s sure Alex is going to want to collect on wining bet as soon as they’re both feeling better.

When the physical therapists arrive to work with Alex everyone clears out to give her privacy – Maggie in her wheelchair declines the other’s offer to take her to meet up with J’onn and Lucy who will be stopping by shortly. She needs some time to think and just be by herself for a while – still not entirely sure she’s processed everything that’s happened in such a short amount of time.

It takes her the better part of an hour to get to the elevator and downstairs to the cafeteria area – a little winded and aching as she manages to get a cup of coffee. She’s grateful one of the staff carries it to the table in the corner that looks out on one the street where people are passing by. Thanking the young man as he leaves she sips at the beverage and watches the people going about their lives outside. A couple are waiting at the curb with a bundle in a pink blanket and a variety of flowers and balloons – grinning at each other tiredly and cooing at the new baby.

Further up the road is another family – an elderly woman holding hands with an middle aged man and young boy. The family looks rather quiet and somber as they make their way from the parking garage towards Harris Tower – the wing that houses the Cardiac and Neuro ICU units if Maggie recalls correctly. Taking another sip of her coffee she wonders how many more trips to the hospital are in her future – either as the patient or the family member. Before she can quell the initial surge of panic that’s threatening to make her throat and chest feel tight she hears footsteps behind her.

“Ah, there you are. I was beginning to think you may have signed yourself out and were trying to roll yourself home,” Lucy says with a wiry smile as she sits down across from Maggie, giving her a soft but worried look.

“Didn’t leave, just needed some space,” Maggie says softly, watching as Lucy pulls out a set of spoons, taking one when it’s offered to her even though she’s really confused at what Lucy is up to.

“Now for the million-dollar question, chocolate or strawberry?” Lucy asks with a smile as she explains, “Alex, Kara, and Lena already got to the cookie dough and Neapolitan ones. That and the vegan options were kind of limited.”

Maggie is a bit confused but shrugs and says softly, “Strawberry.”

Lucy takes out two pints of ice cream, setting the strawberry one on the table in front of Maggie. Sitting back she pries the top off the chocolate one and sinks her spoon in as she tells her with a conspiratorial air, “Just don’t tell Eliza that we’re ruining our lunch, okay?”

Maggie smirks softly, and after a bite of the ice cream she murmurs, “Works for me.”

For a few quite minutes the two sit across from each other eating spoonful after spoonful of ice cream – every now and then glancing towards the other visitors and patients milling about the hospital cafeteria. Maggie spots a few familiar faces across the room, one of the new rookie officers is sporting a bright blue cast and laughing with a group of friends and family. Lucy keeps her silent company as they start to slow their consumption of the sweet treats, she takes a chance and tells the detective, “You know it’s not a weakness to need help?”

Maggie doesn’t say anything – just nods her head slightly as she glances at Lucy for a second. There’s a lot she wants to say but she can’t seem to find the words to explain what’s been going on – the nightmares, the flashbacks, and her thoughts and emotions running wild with her. Lucy must see the conflict in her expression as she’s quick to assures, “You don’t need to tell me anything if you don’t want to, but just listen to me for a minute, okay?”

“Okay,” Maggie answers softly, listening intently even though she’s watching as her ice cream starts to melt around the edges.

“I know a little something about trying to run away from your problems. Both my parents were the authoritarian types – cold, distant, and seemingly always disappointed with who I was and every decision I seemed to make. So I ran away to West Point – I didn’t have to think about things, I could just follow orders and go through the routine. It was comforting for a while,” Lucy tells her honestly, knowing that Maggie’s issues didn’t just start with her police work – that the trauma and abandonment issues stem from much earlier in her life.

Maggie just listens, knowing that she’s tried the same routine to deal with her issues which basically just pushed all those thoughts and feelings to the side until she was alone. Lucy continues to talk to her, her tone calm and even despite what she’s saying, “My first deployment to Afghanistan went well for the most part, as routine as it gets for being in a warzone and coordinating logistics anyway. After the first week or two you get used to the shelling and the alarms, after the first month you get used to the IED’s that randomly strike the convoys when you’re outside the wire. And as bizarre as it sounds you even get used to the grievous injuries and the deaths…you just never expect it to happen to you or to someone in your unit.”

Maggie calmly reaches over and lays her hand over Lucy’s, feeling how clammy the Major’s palms are and squeezes it lightly. She knew Lucy had been deployed, she’d recognized the deployment ribbons on her uniform – just the like the one’s her oldest brother had and several of her fellow officers have in shadowboxes on their desks.

“Three weeks from our departure date, a suicide bomber ran through the gates – he killed half a dozen of my soldiers in an instant and the following barrage of shelling got two more. We didn’t have time to stop and process what happened, we just had to get up and respond – stuff everything your thinking and feeling in that box at the back of your mind and just do what you have to do,” Lucy tells her, grateful that Maggie just squeezes her hand and doesn’t say anything when her voice wavers and she pauses.

“I made it through, we did what we were supposed to and a couple weeks later I was on my way back stateside. For a while after being back I felt fine, played if off as it was just something that happens when you work in a warzone and went back to James and work as if nothing happened,” Lucy tells her, blinking back tears, “But then the nightmares started – sometimes a couple times a month but then before I knew it was happening almost every night. I didn’t want to sleep and I started to avoid James because I didn’t want to talk about – then I started avoiding people and things that reminded me of anything close to Afghanistan. I thought that if I could just ignore it long enough I’d feel safer, but it never worked and in the end it almost cost me everything – my job, my friends, James…”

Maggie looks at her hand holding Lucy’s, both of them shaking and trembling but not letting go as she asks softly, “What happened after that?”

“I sought out the help I needed to deal with the post-traumatic stress disorder – I didn’t want to at first but I did anyway. I did it because I didn’t want to keep upsetting James and my friends, my coworkers deserved a level headed Director who wouldn’t crumble at the thought of a crisis. But most importantly I wanted to feel like a whole person again, and I deserved that. And you do too, Maggie.”

“I can’t, the memories – the nightmares…It’s too painful to even think about,” Maggie insists, she’s not sure she’s ever going to get the images of Alex motionless on the concrete with blood in her hair out of her mind’s eye – the thought of having to describe that or even entertain the dreams that have Alex succumbing to her injuries or worse is just too much to bear.

“I know,” Lucy tells her, her warm yet sad expression tells Maggie that she knows just how painful and terrifying it is to be fighting invisible enemies, “I’d like to tell you it got easier right away and that once you deal with PTSD it’s gone forever, but I’m not going to lie to you. At the beginning it was hard – I had some really shitty days and nights as we dragged out all the skeletons in my closet. I cursed my therapist out, walked out and slammed the door more than once, there were days I refused to get out of bed and couldn’t stop crying – but eventually it did get better. It gets worse before it gets better – but the point is that it does get better.”

“I wish none of this had happened,” Maggie whispers, brushing away tears on the sleeve of her hospital gown, grateful when Lucy moves to sit next to her and draws her into a gently hug – finding a kindred broken spirit in the soldier.

“I know you do, but keeping it to yourself and not dealing with it doesn’t make it go away – it just means you have to deal with the pain and the hellish symptoms by yourself,” Lucy reminds patiently, rubbing Maggie’s shoulders gently as she tells her warmly, “You don’t have to do this alone – you’ve got family and friends now and we aren’t going to let you struggle on your own. You’re stuck with all these nerds, on your good days and definitely on your bad days.”

Maggie nods, watching a bit numbly as Lucy cleans up the table and then pats her shoulder gently before gripping the wheelchair by the handles and telling her, “Come on, let’s get you back upstairs to Alex before she sic’s Kara on us.”  

Maggie relaxes as Lucy deftly maneuvers them back to the elevator and down the hall to her and Alex’s room – the whole trip taking maybe ten minutes’ tops. Alex is sitting up and playing a game with Kara and Lena, in the corner J’onn and Eliza are talking over coffee while making sure the young women are doing okay.

“Hey, you disappeared on us for a while,” Alex remarks, curious as to where Maggie had gone off to – especially since Lucy has brought her back, “You okay?”

Maggie smiles softly, taking Alex’s hand in her own and squeezing gently, “No, but I will be.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading! I've mainly been writing on this series for therapy purposes but I'm happy to share in hopes that it may help someone else too or just be a nice read.
> 
> Take care of yourselves, you're awesome!


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